Depression-Veteran 10-16-08

Depression-Veteran 10-16-08
Peter Macdonald 465 Packersfalls rd Lee NH 03824 603-659-6217
Sad, Gloomy! simple definition of Depression. I am not depressed. May-be confused, miss placed, lack of understanding and as I have said many times in a place that does not accept me or want me. I am in a world that I do not belong (U.S.). I have held it to my self all these years trying to adjust to living to survive. Don’t get me wrong. I have been the luckiest person in the world. I survived as a U.S. Marine to come back, go to college, meet many great people, volunteer to help many, meet a great woman (whom became my wife) have three great daughters and a nice home. I have always since about my second year back remembered his face. I have the constant question even serving in the Marine Corps is this real. People come up to me all the time and talk as if we know each other. Some even tell me they are family members. I have no idea. Some times I figure out whom they are and other times I bluff my way through. I some times do not even remember my daughters names. Most times I can do something that I have done hundreds of times before and not have the slightest idea until I start the job. I have no memory of doing it before. I obey the rules and laws of this society and do every thing that I can to leave it better for others. I am not sad or gloomy. I need to know whom I am and where I belong. Depression is suicidal which I am not. I do need to die or did I die over there and this is punishment for being a U.S. Marine.
People say when you ask for help that you just want pity. Society looks down on people that are different. How could I have lived through what my mind tells me that I did and others (in social comments) tell me it is impossible or in-humane . People every day tell me real Marine’s do not talk about over there. I have not for over thirty years. I have a constant reminder of what freedom is every day by seeing his face. I do not want your pity. I want you all to understand what the U.S. Military goes through for you. When we come back do we obey society’s rule and not talk about it? Was our actions justifiable? It is two totally different worlds. Once you have been there it is camouflage that you hope will allow society back here to let you in. This is some one with no memory of life back here before the Marine Corps giving a view of what I understand of this civilized world.
NH put me in jail as a terrorist and I accepted it as what is real. Judge Peter Fauver is a criminal. To stop me from exposing these wrongs NH elected officials violated the constitution to stop me. Do I need help as so many tell me. Help is not there. What is help any way? Civilized society’s way of covering up the bad we (U.S. Military) do, so society can believe they are free. The VA stopped my medical care to stop my letters to the editor. The editors do not publish the opinion of the people when it conflicts with (or exposes) reality. Is not using someone’s health as a weapon wrong?
Is reality that I never did un-tie my hands that night and escape. Did that gook stick the bayonet in me and my eternal torture is to see that child’s face. I am not depressed. I am a Veteran in a place that does not want me. Don’t give me your pity. Your pity is only so that this civilized society can feel good for what you think is real.
Peter Macdonald Sgt USMC Semper Fi